Deeply Known and Loved

I hear from a lot of women that the men they’re connecting with are not skilled at having in-depth, insightful, and emotionally open conversations.

A lot of guys give one-word responses to their questions.

When they go on a date, these men love talking about themselves, but they don’t ask any questions. Even if they do ask a question, it’s surface level.

One of my clients was coming across people who were not emotionally engaged, and when she told her friends about it they said, “Guys are just like that.”

She was letting that behavior slide because she figured that’s just how men are.

But that is not our standard for connection and communication.

At the beginning of my From Dating to Exclusive program, I send my clients a little book from a Buddhist teacher. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “Understanding is love’s other name.”

When somebody is not invested in understanding us, there is no potential to feel loved in that connection.

We can’t feel loved by somebody who is not invested in getting to know our soul, our likes, our dislikes, our humor, our challenges, and our most prized accomplishments.

It doesn’t make sense to invest in a connection where the other person is not invested in getting to know you on a deeper level.

Once we have that as our standard, the next thing we want to do is make sure we are showing up in that way as well.

This is not just a guy problem. I've heard from guy friends that they go on dates with women who are not giving a lot in their answers and not asking very thoughtful questions.

We want to be curious and ask open ended questions to uncover the other person's thoughts and feelings, not just the facts of what they’re telling you.

Some people are not used to that level of curiosity. If they respond negatively it is a sign that you might not want to pursue a connection further with them.

If they brush your questions aside, is that somebody you could have a lifetime of conversations with?

If you want to create a relationship where you are deeply known and loved and where you deeply know and love another person, that takes time.

But you can screen for whether there’s potential for that in the first few dates.

Following these steps will lead you to create that kind of relationship much more quickly.

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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.