Don't Work On Your Relationship, Maintain It

Couples therapy has helped a lot of people, but it won’t fix a relationship that was broken from the beginning.

We always hear advice about working on our relationship, and we think that that means building pieces that weren't there to begin with

If you got together for the wrong reasons or if one of the five elements is missing, you can't work on a relationship enough to make it work.

That’s an important shift to make because even in early dating, we think we can be patient enough, stick around long enough, or communicate enough in order to build up a relationship when things aren’t where we need them to be.

It will save you a lot of time in dating to look longer for a connection that has all of the foundational things you need, and then to do the work of maintaining the connection over time.

The real work of a relationship is maintaining something great and not getting lazy.

It’s about continuing to do the things that were already working in the beginning, and navigating the emotions that come up as you feel more vulnerable with that person.

One principle that I share with my clients is the minimum baseline standards: easy planning and easy communication.

In the earliest stages of dating, if getting plans on the books is difficult or if trying to communicate is confusing, we can sometimes get caught up in thinking those are things we should work on.

We think maybe we just need to communicate harder, put in more effort, or demand improvements in these areas from the other person.

Instead, we should notice that those two things are the fundamentals of what the rest of your relationship is going to look like.

The whole relationship is going to be two people making plans and talking to each other.

Even in early dating, you want to have the standard that planning and communication come easily to both of you. They should not be confusing, overwhelming, or difficult.

So when you’re dating, don't find a relationship to work on. Find a relationship that is working and then build it and maintain it.