Educated Dating Guesses

When we think about statistics around marriage, most of us have heard some rough estimate that 50% of marriages end in divorce.

That can be kind of discouraging when we're thinking about having a long-term relationship.

But if we assume that about 30% of people who get married stay happily married for the rest of their lives, that's actually a really encouraging statistic.

To me, the top 30% is totally possible. A top 30% relationship is available to anyone who is intentional, consistent, and committed to creating that.

When we're thinking about who we can create a top 30% relationship with, the best that we can do is make an educated guess about what the potential is with the person we're connecting with.

The “educated” part comes in when we know exactly what we're looking for, and also some of the signs that we might be on to something with this person.

The first thing that I would think about is the five elements.

A top 30% relationship will have to include all five elements: friendship connection, physical chemistry, respect and care, growth, and similar vision and values.

That is the foundation.

The second thing is what a top 30% relationship specifically looks like for you.

Your top 30% relationship will look different than mine, so I really encourage you to think about it in terms of qualities and feelings.

How would you feel with that person and what qualities do they have?

How will you feel with them emotionally? Playful? Sensual? Safe? Connected?

I advise my clients to think about the two qualities that are most important to them in another person when they’re creating their online dating profile.

For me, it was playfulness and depth of conversation. I made sure to infuse my profile with those two qualities so that I could draw that kind of person to me.

When you're focused on the qualities of the relationship, you can more easily notice in the dating process whether this person is feeling like a top 30% person.

Then, we make our educated guesses by tuning into those feelings and noticing if things feel they’re going in the right direction.

We tune into all of the five elements and think about whether this connection is failing any of those elements. If it is, then an educated guess would probably say this isn't going to be a relationship that has the foundation that it needs to be a top 30% relationship.

Coaching is valuable because it’s really hard to think about the long-term sometimes when we are immersed in a situation or feeling anxious about someone.

It's really hard to zoom out and think about the next 10, 20, 30, and 40 years of your life.

With an educated dating guess, it doesn't always have to be all or nothing.

Sometimes it's just about whether it makes sense to go on another date and get some more information.

Let's say you were a baseball scout, and you were going to bet on a player. You’d think about who can contribute to creating the success of the baseball team.

Similarly, in dating, when you are connecting with someone, you're seeing how they show up to this team that you're now part of.

Is this a person you would bet on? Is this a person you would recruit for that specific goal?

Moving towards a 30% relationship is about asking yourself the question, what are we creating together?

We don't get to know for sure, but we can make a guess.

And then the second question is, is this a good guess?

Don't ask yourself questions that you just don't know the answer to yet, like is this person going to still be there for me six months from now?  

That's going to be up to you to figure out by just taking one step forward at a time.

But what you can ask yourself is, is this a good guess? And if it's a good guess, it's worth it to take the next step forward and keep creating what you're creating.

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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.