How The Idea Of "Feminine Energy" Hurts You In Dating

I had a 15-minute session with a really awesome woman last week, and she shared that she had been dating somebody for six or seven months and they just recently became exclusive.

In order to take that step, she had to give him an ultimatum.

She spoke a lot about feminine energy, which to her means letting the guy guide the connection.

She was beating herself up for giving him an ultimatum because she felt like that was too harsh and masculine.

Now she wanted the “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” labels, but he was uncomfortable with that too. He said yes to being exclusive, but they were going to give it several more months before deciding if they were ready for the next step.

The first question that I asked her was, what do you do if you want to be in your feminine energy but the guy that you're dating is not being masculine?

If we're using these terms and this ideology, then we would look at this guy and say he's not very masculine because he's not taking the lead, he's not guiding, and he's not moving things forward.

But then you might think, if a guy is not being masculine enough it's because I’m not being feminine enough.  Every time that I set a boundary or ask for exclusivity or labels, that means I'm pushing him away by being too masculine.

Secondly, your thoughts are actually creating your feeling that you are too masculine.

It's the same as saying "I'm not being pretty enough." You're going to feel ugly because that's the narrative that you have running in your mind.

Questioning whether you’re being feminine enough is just like checking yourself in the mirror constantly and asking, "Do I look okay? Am I being ugly? Am I pretty enough?"

The idea of being in your feminine energy leads to feeling really masculine, and it can also lead to being completely complacent, not speaking up, and feeling wrong for your needs.

For example, you might be dating somebody for a month or two and at some point you will have a little feeling inside that tells you, “I don't feel comfortable dating other people anymore.”

If you believe the feminine person shouldn't ask for that, it leads to you overriding your intuition and not speaking up for what you need.

So here's what I suggest instead.

First, if you want to identify as being feminine, just decide that you are. Just decide instead of constantly questioning it.  

Second, ask yourself some other questions, like how do I feel in this connection?

Do I love the way things are going?

Do I feel ripe for the next step, or do I need to get to know this person longer?

Do I feel valued in this person's life?

Third, ask yourself, what is the relationship that you see yourself in in 20 years, and is this the person who can create that with you?

If the guy needs an ultimatum to be exclusive, he probably doesn’t share your intention of creating a high-quality relationship.

It doesn't actually matter if you're being masculine or feminine, you can't really win with a guy who is not showing up.

We really have to look at the quality of the relationship that we're in instead of distracting ourselves with these ideas of whether we're being too masculine or not feminine enough.

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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.