How to Feel More Safe and Secure in Dating

When I was dating, I had my own fears, insecurities, challenges, and disappointments to work through. 

I started using a journaling process that I learned from my business coach. 

One of the exercises I gave myself was thinking about my vision of what I wanted to create. I wanted a playful, sexy, fun, and deep relationship. 

Then I would imagine how I would feel if I actually had that. 

One of the emotions that came up often when I was doing this exercise was “safe.” 

The thing is, I didn't want to wait until I was in a relationship to feel safe. 

So I started thinking about what thoughts could create that safety, security, and comfort
without actually having the relationship yet. 

Here are some of the mindset shifts that created that feeling of security and safety, while I was single: 

“My goals are up to me.” 

If there is something I really want to experience in life, it is never up to any one person other than me. 

If somebody decides not to create that with me, they don’t determine that it will not happen for me. 

A big reason we feel fear and insecurity in dating is because we give the responsibility of our life vision to other people that we just met. 

If they don’t cooperate, we feel like it’s not happening for us. 

It’s important to remind yourself that they don’t have to cooperate, it will happen for you anyway because it’s your responsibility and you will eventually find somebody who is on the same page as you. 

“I can always return to myself. I have been happy by myself.” 

When we are dating, we leave our nest and go out into the world to connect with different people. 

Maybe you connect with somebody and it doesn’t work out and you have to return to your nest. While it is your goal to create something new with somebody else, it’s not bad in the meantime to return to yourself. That’s not a bad place to be. 

One way we can remember that is by thinking about all the ways we have been happy without that particular person before. Remember hobbies, activities, and experiences that you’ve had without this person? You felt completely fulfilled and happy while engaged with those things. 

That’s an emotion that you were able to create for yourself before you even met that person. 

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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.