Ruminating and Fantasizing

When we first start dating somebody that we're really excited about, a lot of us can get into the habit of fantasizing or ruminating about them.

We find ourselves thinking about them for hours and hours, and our main activity will be creating fantasies in our mind.

It’s very pleasurable, like indulging in eating an entire chocolate cake.

And this kind of visualization is very powerful because there's a little bit of truth in it. We get to experience the feelings of excitement, joy, love, and chemistry when creating these fantasies.

However, it’s really easy to overindulge, and it can begin to affect our physical and mental health.

We can lose sleep while rolling around in bed, marrying them, having fights with them, and building a life with them in our fantasies.  

It can get in the way of work and time with friends when we aren’t fully present in our daily activities.

And we also can start to develop feelings based on who this person could be instead of based on the person who's right in front of us.

Usually there are some environments that might lead us to indulge in fantasizing.

For example, music can really sweep me away on a journey if I'm listening to a specific type of song.

Or when we are watching romantic movies, sometimes we get lost in the story and it can trigger a lot of these fantasies.

The habit to overindulge in fantasizing can even be triggered when we spend a lot of time with our friends talking about this new love interest and dissecting every little thing with them.

Once you recognize the consequences of fantasizing and ruminating, you want to implement some loving discipline around it.

When the invitation comes up in your mind, you can think to yourself, “I'm not going down this road for the next two hours.”

Step one is noticing and avoiding those kinds of triggers.

Loving discipline can mean deciding not to listen to love songs or watch romantic movies for now, because they create an environment for these fantasies to come up.

Then, you need to give your mind something else to focus on.

You might choose to watch a TV show or movie that really grasps you and, again, is not related to these triggering romantic themes. 

Before going to sleep, reading a (non-romantic) book will really help to give your brain a task to do that is not fantasizing.

Or try going to sleep with a podcast where somebody reads you a bedtime story. It gives your mind something to follow along with, and it’s very soothing.

As you try to redirect your mind, there might be some resistance. Just remember that it's normal, and that's where the loving discipline kicks in.