The Energy Behind the Exclusivity Conversation

You’ve probably heard me talk about when and how to have the exclusivity conversation.

There is some confusion about whether or not you should ask questions like, “Where is this going?” or “What are you looking for?” early in the dating process.

A client shared that she was dating a woman, and on the second date the woman said to my client, “I’m looking for something serious, are we doing this or not?”

She came in with a harsh energy that can really impact the outcome of these conversations.

My client said no, but she was having some doubts about her own reaction.

She didn’t feel good about the conversation or the way the woman approached her about it.

When I say energy, I mean how you feel about yourself, the other person, their potential answers, and the idea of a relationship.

The way we feel comes from the way we think.

When we go into the exclusivity conversation with a harsh energy, it’s usually coming from thoughts like “I don’t want to waste my time,” and the feeling of anger. 

That energy leads to a pressured feeling for the other person.

On the opposite end of that, there is the passive energy behind asking a question like, “Where do you see this going?”

You’re just going with the flow and doing whatever the other person wants.

That comes from feeling scared to be honest about what you want from this connection.

What we want to do is meet people in the middle for this kind of conversation.

Dating is like being on a hike where you meet somebody and walk together until you come to a fork in the road.

That’s the point in the relationship where you decide if you want to continue on the casual path or take the next step and become exclusive.

Behind the words in this conversation, we want to have the energy of choice.

When you’re at the fork in the road, you’re basically saying, “This is where I’m going, did you want to come too? If you’re not going to join me I’m still going this way because this is in alignment with what I want.”

It’s an invitation, but there’s also a level of decisiveness.

Here’s what you can say when you’re asking for exclusivity: 

“I really like you. I’ve been having so much fun with you. I notice that going forward I would feel more comfortable if we were just dating each other as we continue to explore our connection. What do you think about that?”

This conversation is about the other person, as well as your ultimate goals and desires for where you see yourself going.

When my client was having that conversation, it felt impersonal. It seemed like the idea of a relationship was more important than the idea of the relationship with her specifically.

You can ask for exclusivity as soon as you want, but make sure it’s because of the quality of the connection you feel, and because you love the way this person is showing up for you.

The right energy is being decided about what you feel comfortable with moving forward.

It is an invitation to the other person to join you because of who they are and the way you two connect with each other, and no matter what they decide they are still a good person.

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This content was originally published on the Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.