When He Wants to Keep Dating But Doesn't Want to Be Exclusive

As a dating coach, I help my clients take the baby step from dating to exclusive.

The way I recommend bringing up the topic of exclusivity is just by saying, “Hey, I'd be more comfortable if we were just dating each other. What do you think about that?”

Sometimes when you're trying to move the relationship towards exclusivity, the other person might seem resistant to that, confused, or unsure.

At the same time, their actions seem to be showing you that they do want to connect. They're texting you all the time, they’re making time to be with you, they want to be emotionally and physically intimate.

You just don't understand why they don't want to take that next step when they obviously like being in a relationship with you.

The first thing to clarify here is that it's okay if you have an exclusivity conversation with someone and they want to reflect on it and come back to it the next time you see each other.

However, that's about the extent of it. It should not be postponed or drawn out beyond that timeframe.

If the next time you meet they're still not sure, then that's usually a sign that you shouldn't continue dating this person.

When someone is so hesitant to take that little baby step of just focusing on each other in a great connection where things are flowing really well, they're usually indicating that they have some fears around the idea of commitment or relationships that they haven't worked through.

If they're being honest about some of the things that are coming up, it can be really tempting to think that it's up to you to work through that with them or help them get into the relationship mindset. But that isn’t your job.

The second reason it's probably not a good idea to continue dating that person is because it can be an indication that the respect element is failing.

Respect implies that the other person has a fundamental empathy and understanding of how their actions and words affect you.

If someone is pulling you along in a situation after you spoke up about feeling uncomfortable dating other people, then they're not really considering your perspective or what the relationship needs in order to thrive.

A person who isn't failing the respect element will validate your feelings, even if they say, “I'm so sorry, I'm just not ready for that and I can't take that step with you right now.” They wouldn't continue dating you.

And if they were ready for that, then the two of you would take that step.

But that in-between, where they are acting like they're in a relationship without actually taking that step forward or even addressing the conversation… that is indicating that the respect element isn't there.

We wouldn't even consider being in a relationship with someone who isn't respecting us or having empathy for our experience.

For those two reasons, I would encourage you to let that connection go.

You know that there is someone out there with whom it'll be a lot easier because they will already be in that mindset.

You don't need to coach them, cajole them, trick them, or manipulate them into wanting a relationship because so many people already want that.

So rather than spend a lot of time on trying to change this person, let it go so that you can spend your time finding the right person who's already on that same path.