Amber Grubenmann

In my last post I talked about the idea of the Secret Island.

In dating, that means letting go of the 40% guy who is meeting some of your needs in order to pursue the great relationship that you are truly looking for.

How do you tell the difference between that versus just getting caught up in the thought that “the grass is always greener?”

Letting go of a connection is the right thing to do if one or more of the five elements – friendship connection, physical chemistry, respect, growth mindedness, and similar vision and values – is missing or failing.

The standard isn't perfection, but for each element we want to tune in and ask ourselves, is this element failing, passing, or an A+?

If the elements are at least passing, you have something to work with. If any of the elements are failing, you are making the right decision to leave this connection and pursue something better.

But there is also a mindset that can occur in relationships when all five...

Have you ever noticed that when we have something that’s average, we are much less likely to pursue something really amazing?

We get to that good enough point and then we just kind of coast.

That’s how we prevent greatness in all areas of our life.

One of my clients recently ended a connection with a 40% guy. Some of the five elements were there, but ultimately it was not the right fit.

But then she started dating, and the first few guys she went on dates with were even less of a fit than the original 40% guy.

She was really doubting her decision to leave that connection. She was asking, “Do you think maybe I should go back to him?”

I explained to her that we hardly ever actually go from good to great.

Very often, when we let go of a connection because we know it's not truly the great kind of relationship that we're striving for, we first go from good to terrible, to mediocre, to maybe, and then to great.

The natural tendency is for your mind to go back to...

Last week I had a night out with some friends. My best friend was there, and it was really amazing. We had a dinner that lasted for five hours.

The next day, my best friend texted me and said, “Hey, thanks for coming last night.”

I was really confused. That's not something she would normally say to me because we talk pretty much every day.

Imagine going to your 9-to-5 and at the end of the day, your boss saying, “Thank you for coming in today.”

You’d think, what do you mean? This is my full-time job.

I was reflecting on that later. It was such a simple thing, so why did that feel so nice to hear?

I realized that we have been friends for twelve years and she still notices when I'm there.

It was just a fun night out, but somehow after twelve years, she still notices my presence and appreciates it instead of taking it for granted.

This experience made me think about that quality of noticing somebody and that saying thank you.

It’s not only about...

In 2018 I did a coaching session with my Aunty Tonya.

She had been single for a long time and wanted to meet her soulmate.

When she thought about what he would be like, she imagined he would be kind, attentive, sensitive, generous, good looking, and respectful, and he would adore her.

Throughout the dating process for the next five years, she decided to stick to her high standards and stop investing time and energy into men who were not able to meet those standards.

The dating process became more fun when she started simply asking herself whether she’d like to go on a second date with the men she met.

Today, at age 52, she is married to a man who has all of the qualities she was looking for.

She met him online, and although she didn’t think on the first date he was someone she would marry, she did want to go on a second date with him.

They laughed and connected throughout their first date. It was just easy.

They began to form a really solid foundation.

It was clear he was the...

This week I interviewed my own business coach, Elizabeth Salazar, for the podcast.

She teaches her clients how to manage their minds and create their goals. You can learn more about her work here.

Elizabeth has a tool called the Daily Thought Work, which is designed to focus your mind on a big goal. It reminds you what’s possible for the future, and it gets you into that state of directing everything about your day towards that.

The first step of the daily work is to remember your goal, and to feel it in a state of possibility.

Usually when we are just in the action mindset, we tend to do the same things over and over again.

When your thoughts are shaped intentionally, the actions you choose will change. Your mind is going to solve the problem more creatively, and you’re going to keep coming at the problem from every angle you can.

As Elizabeth observed, what gets in the way of her clients changing their mindset over time is thinking all their thoughts are...

Talking about the future with someone you’re dating can be nerve racking.

Last week, one of my clients described feeling scared about talking about the future with her partner because it feels like another fork in the road.

What if we have different ideas about what we want? What if we aren’t on the same page and then it’s the end of the relationship?

She also mentioned noticing that it seems to come so easily to other couples.

Couples who are comfortable talking about the future usually started that habit from the beginning of their relationship.

At first, they do it in a low stakes way. For example, in the beginning they might talk about playing volleyball next month when it’s warmer.

They start to talk about the future in a way that includes the other person.

Then, once they’re six months in, talking about the future in a higher stakes way is already normalized in their relationship. It becomes easier to bring up things like moving in together,...

When we are familiar with different types of people we meet in dating (such as the forty-percent guy), we can identify them more easily.

Another dating archetype I want to introduce you to is the conqueror.

The conqueror is the person who loses their interest in you as soon as you show yours.

In this connection you are punished for expressing desire. You have to withhold your feelings in order to receive love, affection, or interest from the other person.

Any time that you show them a little bit of interest they pull away, so you feel like you have to maintain the chase.

It trains you to believe that your love is a bad thing. 

That sucks because the whole point of a relationship is to have a place where it’s safe to give somebody love and to receive it in return.

The conqueror pulls away as soon as you give something because for them it’s really about the idea of winning you.

Then, when you withhold your interest, the game’s back...

A challenge that comes up for my clients after they are exclusive is sharing big feelings for the first time.

It can be about challenges in life, stress at work, fears, issues with friends, or other things that you weren’t talking about during those first few dates.

Eventually, we have built up a relationship that’s close enough that it’s difficult to hide when these things come up. They can tell if our tone in messages is different or our mood seems off on a date.

We are stuck between wanting to be seen and vulnerable but also afraid of scaring them off. We don’t want to lose what we just built with this person by sharing these other parts of ourselves.

It’s normal to not yet feel comfortable enough to share all of yourself with someone in those early stages.

But trust only grows over time if you take steps to allow yourself to be seen by this person.

The first step is to create context. That means this isn’t the only thing they’ve ever...

Here are some of my favorite mindset shifts that can really help in life and dating. 

The dots always connect looking backwards. 

This is an idea from Steve Jobs, and it’s so true with any area of life that you’re wanting to improve. 

Trying to figure out exactly how you’re going to do something can make you feel like you can’t move forward until you know all the steps that you’re going to take. 

Instead, focus on taking the next best action and doing what you do know how to do at this point. 

Trust that it’s going to come together if you keep learning and keep implementing those little shifts. 

Don’t analyze your life when you’re in a negative state. 

Often when we are in a negative state, we decide we need to fix everything in our lives. 

It’s not the time to strategize when you’re feeling insecure or you just had a rejection, because it’s coming from your lowest state of...

Let’s talk about dating again after you’ve been hurt.

I know this is really hard.

First thing’s first, you want to make sure you give yourself the time that you need to heal.

This looks different for different people.

Going through a break up is sometimes like being in a physical accident.

Asking the question, “When should I date again?” is like being in the hospital with broken bones after a car accident and asking, “When can I run again?”

You’re forcing yourself to do things that your body is just not ready for.

Sometimes we think we should be able to change the way we think overnight, but we genuinely need time to heal emotionally. Be patient with the healing process.

The same way that your body knows how to heal an injury, your soul knows how to heal an emotional wound.

You are always healing, you naturally heal, you can trust yourself to heal. You don’t have to be afraid of getting hurt because you have the power to heal...