Amber Grubenmann

One of my clients told me she was feeling anxious about dating a particular guy. She was really worried that she might lead him on. She worried about what could happen if it turns out that he likes her more than she likes him.

She was really afraid of exploring the connection because potentially, down the line, she could hurt this person.

There's a big difference between disappointing somebody and damaging somebody.

In dating sometimes we have to disappoint people or reject them in order to be honest about what we truly want.

Causing damage to somebody, on the other hand, means creating pain for them to process through. It happens when we let someone down in a way that makes them more fearful, insecure, or confused.

The kinds of behaviors that cause damage include leading people on, being dishonest, being unclear, being hot and cold, and drawing things out longer than you need to.

Here are a few things to help you disappoint or reject people without actually causing harm.

This is a little motivational note for anyone who is in a situation with a guy who only wants part of a relationship. 

Maybe he just wants to text with you, hang out with you, or sleep with you, but he doesn’t give you the commitment you’re looking for in a relationship. 

You might be taking a few wrong turns and ending up in a casual, uncomfortable connection with someone who doesn’t respect you. 

If you stay for a long time in these situationships, you could start to tell yourself a story about how this is all that’s out there. It starts to paint your whole picture of dating. 

There are some thoughts that cause us to second guess our intuition and continue in a connection that feels negative to us. 

Some examples of these thoughts might be, “I can’t find anything better.” 

Or, “If I just go with the flow and show him that I’m really cool then he’ll eventually want to be with me.” 

A while ago, I was in a relationship with somebody who really wanted kids.

Because I had never been with somebody who was actively bringing up the conversation about having kids, I had never considered it in a serious way before.

So I started to think more about it, and eventually came to the conclusion that I don’t want to have kids.

It was a struggle to come to that realization because if you’re unsure about having kids, you hear more arguments for having them than not. You hear people say that you probably will want kids at a certain age or when you meet the right person.

It can be really difficult to hear your own voice when it comes to this question, so I want to share some questions to ask yourself as you explore this topic:

1. Do I love kids?

Have you spent a significant amount time with kids?

It’s important that you naturally and inherently enjoy it, and that it’s generally fulfilling and emotionally energizing for you.

You want to make sure that...

We get to have many experiences during our time here on earth.

There are so many things you can do here. You can eat a cheeseburger. You can go for a jog or a hike. You can travel. You can strive in your career and create success.

I think the most exquisite, beautiful, fulfilling, rewarding, and special experience that we get to have is our relationships with other people.

Some of us did not get the natural tools that we need to create the level of relationship that we would like to experience in this lifetime. We have to unlearn things from the past, and we have to learn new skills in order to have those relationships.

It’s so worth it to learn those skills to be able to have those amazing relationships because, yes a cheeseburger is so good, but nothing compares to good friendships, coworker relationships, and romantic relationships.

Here is a mindset shift that helped me have more amazing relationships and enjoy my experience of relationships a lot more:

I used to have...

If you’re in a situationship you might feel as though it was created by accident. It feels like one thing led to another and now it’s too late to do anything about it.

You find yourself confused about why you’re in a situationship when that wasn't really what you were looking for in the first place.

When you don't have the confidence to actually create what you want, it feels like you're just on this inevitable path towards the situationship that you never signed up for.

Even though situationships feel accidental, they're actually completely within our control to create or not to create.

If you are in a situationship, it's always because you created that result.

We make a daily choice of whether we stay in a relationship, whether we speak up about what we really want, and whether we keep investing in a connection.

Obviously, ending a situationship is easier said than done, right?

It's super uncomfortable to speak up about what we want.

And speaking up is the main...

Last week, one of my clients was telling me about how she has been going to a lot of weddings this summer.

She has been feeling sad when she’s there because everybody else seems to be coupled up.

I suggested to her a few new ways she could think about being at other people’s weddings.

You can think about the experience of going to weddings differently by seeing examples of what's possible all around you.

The environment that we're in can have a big influence on what we see as possible for ourselves. A big limitation to believing in what we want to create is not seeing examples of it.

You could think of weddings as a mastermind meeting where it's actually a good thing to be around people who have something that you aspire to have.

I joined a business mastermind and it was very uncomfortable at first because at least 50% of the people in the mastermind were more successful than me.

But I also had to remind myself that that was part of why I joined that group. I knew...

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Learn more about coaching and get on the waitlist here!