Amber Grubenmann

Sometimes we fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to other people. For example, maybe you know someone who met a guy at a bar, had a one-night stand, got pregnant immediately, and now they’ve been happily married for ten years.

You might think “What’s the point? I'm doing the right things and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. It’s just luck.”

That kind of thinking doesn’t serve us.

In dating, there are actions we can take to get into a zone of higher probability of getting what we want.

Let’s say you want to get rained on. If you go to the desert, maybe sometimes it rains there but there’s a lower probability of that happening.

In Portland it doesn’t rain all the time, but if you stay here long enough you will get rained on.

What a lot of people do in dating is the equivalent of coming to Portland on a sunny day, and then going home and thinking, “I went there. There was no rain. I guess that doesn’t...

Today I wanted to share some tips for how to save time in dating and meet your person sooner.

First, have a definite outcome and know exactly what you want.

I don't mean just making a list of what you're looking for in a person, but actually having a goal, such as creating an exclusive relationship.

You want to have one thing that you plug into the GPS and that you stick to.

If you change your direction every time there’s an up or a down in dating, you're going to end up walking in circles.

Having a specific goal is what helps us make decisions in dating. Decisions are steps forward.

Next, make sure that you have a specific process that you're following, and that resonates with you.

For example, what I teach is is to create an abundance mindset and create a date per week. Then, nourish those connections, filter them dates based on the five elements, and then take the step towards exclusivity.

What you want to do is make sure that you know what specific process you're...

If you find yourself ending up in short-term, casual relationships, there are some habits you could change so you can guide your relationships toward exclusivity. 

Basically there two paths we can follow in dating.

One path leads to a more casual connection that doesn't really take root and grow. The other, while challenging in the beginning, tends to help us create a more serious relationship.

There are some key factors and decisions that can play a role in things turning out more casual rather than serious.

The first decision is the timing around sex.

It doesn’t matter whether you have sex on the first date or the tenth date or the hundredth date.

What's more important is that you have the exclusivity conversation first and create a container in your relationship around sex.

With some people, after two dates you really like each other and decide to not date other people.

When we don’t have the exclusivity conversation and we are having sex on a regular...

A listener of the podcast asked me what to do when someone says they want to take things slow, and how to interpret someone saying they don’t want any strings attached while you’re in the dating process.

This is a topic that comes up often in many different forms.

Her question was, when is it reasonable to ask someone if they would like to be exclusive with me?

She said she was dating a guy for a couple months, and when she asked for exclusivity he said it was too soon. The connection ended because he was not comfortable becoming exclusive.

It is the right time to ask for exclusivity as soon as you feel that you’re no longer comfortable moving forward without exclusivity.

But you don’t want to ask for exclusivity unless you already love the way things are going.

In this situation, we have two people’s boundaries: her boundary of needing exclusivity, and his boundary of wanting to take things slow in general.

There is a way to respect both people’s...

Have you ever looked back on a connection that didn't work out and thought, “I should have known?”

It could be because you had a breakup, or somebody turned out to not be very kind, or another version of things not working out.

We look into the past and we can see certain signs or signals that this person may not have been the best match for us.

Then we judge ourselves for not noticing those things earlier or acting on them at the time.

For example, if a connection doesn’t work out you might think, “I shouldn't have introduced them to my friends so early” or “I should have waited to be exclusive.”

Sometimes people are hesitant to become exclusive because they think, "I need to know if this is the right person."

"I need to know how they're going to treat me. I need to know if we are sexually compatible. I need to see all of these various factors in the relationship before I can take a step forward."

But actually, those decisions to...

This week I was reading through some messages from the clients in my current coaching program, From Dating to Exclusive.

We have a private Slack group where all of the participants can connect with each other.

It warmed my heart because they are so funny, and I noticed that they all have two general mindsets.

One was silliness and playfulness. They are having fun with the process, laughing about mistakes they’ve made, laughing about some of the people that they’ve encountered, and making light of things.

And the other thing I noticed is that they all have a growth mindset as they are sharing these things.

They aren't just complaining and commiserating, they are sharing what they've learned and they are inspired by the steps that they have taken.

What I saw in these conversations was the general theme of “no matter what happened yesterday, I'm on the right path and I trust this process.”

And so I just wanted to share that concept with you today, which is to...

Years ago, I was really depressed. It's been a long journey recovering from depression.

During that process, I read a book called Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns, and one of the things that I learned in that book was to pay attention to how I spoke to myself and the labels that I put on myself.

One of the things that I thought about myself every single day was that I'm lazy. Obviously I had a lot of evidence to back this up because the symptoms of depression include having difficulty focusing, getting work done, and just showing up to life in general.

From there I started labeling myself lazy and it was a negative cycle.

So when I learned about how my thoughts create my feelings and therefore how I show up to life, I knew that I needed to change the story that I'm lazy. It's not possible to create what you want if that's how you think of yourself.

Because I had so much evidence built up that I was lazy, it was really hard to change that story.

But what I did was I noticed...

Dr. Aziz Gazipura joined me on episode 208 of the podcast to share some advice about how to create extraordinary relationships.

Dr. Aziz is the reason I became a coach. After I read his book I reached out to him to ask if he could train me, which is why I get to do what I love today.

One of the questions I asked Dr. Aziz was, what makes a great first date conversation?

He suggested steering away from interview-style questions like “where did you go to school?”  

Instead, try get a little more creative.

Ask yourself, what do I really want to know about this person?

Ask about what you’re interested in, even if it seems random.

It’s like playing tennis. Can they get that ball even when its low? Even when it’s high? Are they game?

Be brave with your questions and forthcoming with your answers.

If you think this person is great, you might want to win them over, but usually that isn’t the best strategy.

Communicate how you normally do, and be...

You’ve probably heard me talk about when and how to have the exclusivity conversation.

There is some confusion about whether or not you should ask questions like, “Where is this going?” or “What are you looking for?” early in the dating process.

A client shared that she was dating a woman, and on the second date the woman said to my client, “I’m looking for something serious, are we doing this or not?”

She came in with a harsh energy that can really impact the outcome of these conversations.

My client said no, but she was having some doubts about her own reaction.

She didn’t feel good about the conversation or the way the woman approached her about it.

When I say energy, I mean how you feel about yourself, the other person, their potential answers, and the idea of a relationship.

The way we feel comes from the way we think.

When we go into the exclusivity conversation with a harsh energy, it’s usually coming from thoughts...

Something that has been coming up with my clients recently is the “relationship pedestal.”

It’s a pattern of thought that limits the amount of joy you can receive from areas of life outside of dating.

For example, one of my clients is a high achiever and she has created her dream career.  Her friend was congratulating her on that, and my client was just dismissing her friend’s comments.

She wasn’t letting it soak in how awesome all her accomplishments are.

She had the thought, “It doesn't really matter because I haven't found my partner yet.”

Dating is a place where we go to give, and we get the energy to give to dating from the rest of our life.

We get dividends from our career, our health, our friendships, and our experiences.

Then we get to show up in dating and make those investments in new people with the hope that one of those connections will grow into something amazing.

If you're not collecting the dividends from the other areas...