Amber Grubenmann

When we think about statistics around marriage, most of us have heard some rough estimate that 50% of marriages end in divorce.

That can be kind of discouraging when we're thinking about having a long-term relationship.

But if we assume that about 30% of people who get married stay happily married for the rest of their lives, that's actually a really encouraging statistic.

To me, the top 30% is totally possible. A top 30% relationship is available to anyone who is intentional, consistent, and committed to creating that.

When we're thinking about who we can create a top 30% relationship with, the best that we can do is make an educated guess about what the potential is with the person we're connecting with.

The “educated” part comes in when we know exactly what we're looking for, and also some of the signs that we might be on to something with this person.

The first thing that I would think about is the five elements.

A top 30% relationship will have to include...

I've been coaching people for more than five years, and I've seen a lot of relationships begin and end. 

I've seen a lot of my clients have lingering communication with an ex they still have complicated feelings for, and it never creates a desirable result.

So let's talk about why we let messy endings go on for so long.

The first reason is because we hope that maybe things will change.

We hope the other person will become more available, or treat us in the way that we wanted them to, or finally see how great we really are. We hope they’ll mature a little bit and realize what they really wanted in life.

Here's what I want you to remember about this: people show you their best work in the first one to six months.

If you have not seen this person's best, it's not going to get better.

As a coach, my whole job is about change. It's about changing your mindset, the way that you feel, how you show up, and the results that you create.

I believe 100% in...

Sometimes in dating, our ego can get in the way of connection.

One way that this can show up is when we start worrying about what other people think about the person we are dating.

Maybe we go on a date with somebody and they don't quite match the type that we were looking for.

Maybe their style is completely different than ours, or maybe their job is not something that our parents would be impressed by.

We start to consider other people's opinions as a factor for whether we should start a relationship with that person.

The issue with this is that it takes us out of our intuition and our emotions.

The number one skill that you need to learn in dating is how to tune into how you feel. When you can do that, you will be guided towards what's right for you.

You might not believe that because you think that when you trusted your feelings, you dated the worst guys.

But actually in those situations, you were not listening to your feelings. You were not noticing how confused, anxious,...

Let’s talk about the dreaded experience of waiting for a text back.

I don’t mean waiting for a response in the middle of a flowy conversation with somebody.

I'm talking about when things feel off, and the pattern of your usual texting has suddenly changed.

Or when things were weird the last time you saw them, and now they haven't texted you since then.

You can't help but keep checking your phone and wondering if they're going to text you, and things just generally feel really bad.

When you're in that situation, you feel incredibly anxious and might even start to feel down about dating in general.

Before we decide what to do in this situation, we need to decide what experience we do want in dating and see what's preventing that from happening.

You probably want to have a connection with someone who doesn't make you guess or wonder, but at the same time you still feel attracted to that person.

And one thing that stands in the way of us having that is the...

One of the most difficult experiences in dating is an unexpected breakup.

It can come in the early stages of dating when someone ghosts, or it can happen in a significant relationship where things suddenly take a turn.

All of a sudden, the person breaks up with you and you feel like the relationship was ripped out from under you.

This kind of breakup is so difficult to get over because it shocks our system and there isn't a lot of logic that we can hold onto.

A big part of recovering from a breakup is making sense of it and eventually coming to the conclusion that that wasn't the right person.

But that's really hard to do when 95% of your memories of being with them are positive, and suddenly you have this really negative memory where it ended out of nowhere.

Sometimes in these situations, we don't have a clear understanding of why it happened, and that's really hard to wrap our minds around.

I want to assure you that you will eventually have an experience, either internally or...

Often when we ask someone on a first date whether or not they’re looking for a relationship, it feels a little bit premature.

People can feel some pressure behind the question if we are asking because we don’t want to waste our time.

It takes time to uncover what a connection is and also what the character of another person is, and we can't really skip that by just asking on the first date if they’re ready for a relationship.

So how can you figure out if a connection is on the path towards being exclusive, and from exclusivity into a committed, loving, awesome relationship?

The best way to distinguish that is going to be with a little bit of investment of your time and a little bit of vulnerability.

Be willing to get to know someone. Be willing to be disappointed.

Ultimately, you're still not wasting time. You're still taking the fastest path towards exclusivity by being willing to risk a little bit.

The first sign that you could potentially be exclusive with...

A lot of people think that when they first start dating someone they should never feel anxious, worried, or insecure about the relationship.

If we do feel unsure, we tell ourselves that something is wrong with us or the connection.

But it’s actually the opposite. Feeling unsure is a signal that you’re tuned into the reality of the relationship.

Dating someone new means there’s a vast darkness in terms of things you don’t know about that person and how they’re going to treat you.

We have a long list of trust questions that are unanswered:

When you say you will do something will you follow through? Will you be on time?

Can I trust you financially?

Can I trust you with my secrets?

Can I trust that your emotions are consistent? Can I trust that you have boundaries?

Can I trust that you’re going to be kind, respectful, and patient with me?

Can I trust that you will tell me when something is wrong?

Can I trust that you’ll be there for me when I'm...

I’ve noticed that for my clients there are two main causes of regret in dating: not seeing things through, and seeing things through past the point that you saw what you needed to see.

When I talk about seeing things through, I'm mainly referring to checking the five elements of relationship material: friendship connection, physical chemistry, respect, growth mindedness, and similar vision and values.

A lot of times my clients don't want to make a decision about moving forward with their connections because they're afraid they’ll regret their decision.  

We create all of these stories about how we might be letting go of a really amazing person, even though we actually feel like part of the connection isn't there.

Sometimes we make a rash decision in dating by letting go of a connection before we know whether the five elements are failing, passing, or succeeding.

It's not the time to let go of a connection if one element is just...

For a long time, I followed the advice of dating multiple people at once before becoming exclusive.

There are many reasons people believe it’s good to follow that path: you don't get too attached to any one person too early, you are less anxious, it speeds up the process when you can go through more people more quickly, and it gives you an energy of being in demand, which is an attractive energy to have in dating.

Although I don't think there's anything wrong with this advice, I want to make the case for dating one person at a time, even before you’re exclusive. Then, you can decide for yourself which path is best for you.

My thoughts about dating one person at a time came from noticing the difference in my own dating experience when I slowed down and really paid attention to each person that I was connecting with.

I started to question why I was dating multiple people and I actually realized that the reasons didn't make sense.

For example, one reason for dating multiple...

Let's talk about communication in the early stages of dating.

Usually we don't feel like we can sit down and talk about an issue we’re having one or two weeks into dating someone.

So what do we do when something doesn't feel right?

There are many different situations that can come up, and what I want to tell you is I don't believe that communication is something that you save for later.

You can actually communicate the way that you want to communicate from the very first date.

In fact, communicating when something isn’t working for you is a really great opportunity to see how somebody reacts.

If they have a really negative reaction, get defensive, or shut you down, that's a clear sign to not date that person anymore.

One of my clients went on three or four dates with somebody and things were going really well.

On one of those dates, they increased their physical and emotional intimacy, and it was feeling great.

But then the next day the person she was dating was...